Gimmie Kiss

***Sorry for the mini vacation. I told you I was going to be more social, and unfortunately my blog suffered...but I'm BACK***

I'm going through this weird phase where all I want to do is kiss boys. Nothing more or less just lots of kissing. Have I somehow reverted back to my middle school/high school years when to kiss was something of a BIG DEAL?

Maybe, maybe not. All I can say, beyond the shadow of doubt, is I want to kiss boys...lots of boys..but they must be cute! For the past two weeks I've been going out and partying, on the hunt for a cute suave guy to kiss. What would you know, I haven't found one yet. Who knew finding a cutie to randomly kiss would be so difficult! Here I thought these men were plentiful and just waiting for my lips to graze theirs. Well I was fooled, hoodwinked and bamboozled!

As I shared this new short term goal with some friends I received some pretty interesting responses which made me think.

Response #1:

ONLY WHITE GIRLS DO THAT!

Really? This sort of reckless (i use that word loosely) abandon is reserved for only white girls? How is that so? I've seen friends when drunk kiss and make out with many guys, and they're black. But while they admit yes black girls get drunk and might kiss or more with someone only white girls go out with the intent to kiss strangers. I've never looked at it that way before. And while I can go into a long dissertation on the way sexual freedom is perceived in comparison to white and black women...I will not. That's another blog post for another time...maybe next week.


Response #2


I CAN'T KISS SOMEONE AND IT NOT MEAN ANYTHING, BUT I CAN HAVE SEX AND NOT KISS (ONE NIGHT STANDS).

I found this response most shocking. While I can agree that kissing is very emotional but to say it has more of an emotional connection than sex is something of a shocker. While to me sometimes a kiss is a simply a kiss and not some big sign that we are in love, sex almost always carries with it emotions and those pesky things called feelings. Basically for that individual it is easier to disconnect their feelings when it comes to sex than from kissing. Apparently a lot of people feel this way. It makes me wonder if I am the only one who does not posses that superpower. While sex is extremely emotional for me kissing..not so much. I'm much more open to a random kiss than to a one night stand...and I kind of like it that way.


So...last night I went out again with the purpose of kissing a boy, and while there is one guy who I sort of informed of this plan, and told if we were ever in the same club in the near future he'll get a smooch, it didn't happen. Again I have fallen short of my goal. He was there...looked exceptionally kissable, but nothing happened. I was way into chill mode, not feeling too adventurous, and met a guy who was sort of c*ck blocked by my kissable associate...LOL.

Next weekend we'll start all over again...Mission Kiss a Cute Guy still in effect!


At the end of the day, all I want is a boy to smush his face against mine...is that so wrong?

Slim Thug's Opinion on Black Women

Hello everyone, I've been so busy with...well nothing really. However, I wrote a response to Slim thug's comments in a recent Vibe interview and you can check it out on www.thisweekinblackness.com :

CLICK HERE

PLEASE comment and forward to all your friends!

We're Both Adults...

***This is another post that's been sitting i my drafts for over two months...and seeing as I promised to post more I'm whipping this out for you guys. :D PLEEEEEEASE understand it has not been edited, suitably reviewed all that jazz.***

"We're both adults..."

How many of you single women have heard that phrase? [raises hand] I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Why is it the moment we enter 'adulthood' all of a sudden its taboo to be in a relationship? It seems like suddenly being an adult/grown-up is linked to having casual sex. How does that make sense?! In my twisted mind I assumed being adult meant having stable, long term relationships. I guess I was wrong. Well, if you ask any single man in the NY/NJ area about dating and relationships he'll give you his very basic approach "whatever happens...happens." No expectations, no goals, no plans. They just go with the flow. Maybe I am being too rigid and unrealistic.

Being an adult is taking responsibility for your actions, being able to make a commitment, be it to someone via a relationship, or to your career. What if we approached our careers that way. We enter a job field and simply say "we're all adults here so we'll just do the fun stuff and whatever happens...happens". I'm sure that company would fly right to the top of the Fortune 500 list [side eye]. I don't think so.

SERIOUSLY, I am not saying that everyone you have sex with should instantly become your significant other, by no means, c'mon I'm a realistic girl! But, too often men, and sometimes women...we go around uttering these ridiculous phrases and then wonder 3-4 years from now why we aren't in a relationship (black women we go along with this and now we are in "crisis"). Or, why we meet these low lives, well that's what you kept saying you wanted...an 'adult' who just took things as they came, made no plans, had no expectations! I can't live my life that way. Maybe, its just that I need to control everything, or need to know where things are going. That goes for every aspect of my life, career wise I need to have expectations for what I plan to achieve out of my position, and where I plan to be in the company years from now. I cannot have a lackadaisical approach to my career or my personal relationships.

If this is what one should expect from adult men, then I long to be in high school/college again where relationships ruled...LOL.

The One Night Stand...

Sometimes I just want to do it! You know, have sex; but then I consider my options. I'm not in a relationship at the moment, not currently 'involved' with anyone, and the men in my past are a 'no fly zone' you know, those situations where I made that mistake once, so I refuse for there to be a second time. With all of that said, it does not negate the fact that sometimes I just want to do IT, 'the nasty', 'do the do', get some luvin'. While its a completely natural craving, I can't bring myself to have a random one night stand. Just take a guy home from the club and give him the business.

I feel before one even gets the pleasure to see my often miss-matched undies, view me as I wiggle out of my skirt and completely mess my hair up as my shirt is aggressively pulled over my head.....there needs to be some banter. A clever back and forth exchanging of ideas at which point I become extremely attracted to this other individual and I can no longer look at his broad shoulders and not imagine my head resting neatly between his shoulder bade and neck as I snuggle up to catch a faint smell of him. I need that! I love the witty remarks, and off the cuff comments. However, I understand that it takes a while for things to get to that point. There is the initial meeting, exchanging of numbers, breaking the ice phone conversations and the few preliminary dates/excursions, etc. I usually cannot seriously consider sex before this happens. Don't get me wrong, sometimes it crosses my mind, but something somewhere inside reminds me of the fact that oft times its too soon.

Ok, and while everything I've previously stated is indeed true. Another great big obstacle to throwing caution to the wind and just giving in to temptation is...the fact that I have these things called feelings and emotions and they are somewhat magnetized and can tend to get attached to whomever I have sex with. There is something to be said about that saying (is it a saying or just a thought?) that you carry a piece of whomever you have sex with in you (no pun intended) or something to that effect. And with all that said some people, after getting to know them, I just don't want ANY piece of them in me, be it for one night only. Now, I'm not saying I necessarily need a relationship (ok bare with me) but I need some sort of foundation, be it at least a friendship. I need to know you, know something about you, feel like we connect in some type of way. This (meaning me, my body) is kind of important to me, I need these things before I let loose and let go. You need to make me trust you with me, because in that moment I am vulnerable.

I can't be the girl who after sex jumps out of bed gets dressed and leaves. A part of that has to do with the fact I love to cuddle and I usually become a human pretzel and find myself intertwined in him as I fall asleep. You can't do that with just anyone. 


That's why I've been sleeping...alone.

P.S. For the next week or so I am going to desperately try to post every day...wish me luck..lol

Live @ 25

Birthday week....OVER!!!

All I can say is that I survived :D. The week started of rocky, VERY rocky, and ended equally as rocky. But somewhere in between the rock and a hard place there was a glimmer of fun and excitement. However, the celebrating is not over, there is my trip to New Orleans at the end of the month, which is what I am considering my TRUE birthday celebration. I am seriously contemplating going into detail the events of this past week, or holding off until a better time to bore you with my anticlimactic celebration, hmmm maybe I'll wait until after New Orleans, because I'm almost certain some wild and unmentionable things will happen here...lol.

So, its been some time since I've talked to you all, do you miss me? I'm sure you do. Well, I cut my hair *gasp*, I am still trying to adjust to it, and style it, everyday its a new challenge, but I shall emerge victorious. I have yet to take some cute pics with the new cut, but when I do I'll post a pic.

On to the meat and potatoes of the post. WHY HAVE I BEEN MISSING IN ACTION?! Simply put, I've been on such a major roller coaster ride that there just has been no stability enough for me to stop for even a minute and write something. If that was not bad enough, the little paragraphs and sentences I did manage to jot down all seem like a bunch of baloney. However, its official, I am 25. I don't feel any older and definitely don't feel much wiser. As a matter of fact I feel like everything I thought and all my philosophical theories on life just doesn't make much sense anymore. Maybe that is not an accurate description, SEE I'm already second guessing myself. And maybe...just maybe this is my insecurity pouring out, but sometimes I feel for someone my age I should know more, have experienced more, just BE MORE all together! While some of you may just have scrunched your noses and wondered what the hell I meant, I can't thoroughly explain the feeling.

A part of me feels when compared to other 25 year old individuals, I'm somehow lacking some great life experience. However, I think this is just that BIG doubting yourself phase most twenty-somethings go through, and I seemed to dive head first into it. As of late I doubt EVERYTHING about myself, and the biggest of this seems to be my career. I seem to doubt whether I can do many of the things I seem to be currently doing. But somehow, someway I don't feel like I'm quite capable. It does not matter that I am currently taking the bull by its horns and doing a pretty good job. No! All I can seem to think is 'am I cut out for this?' and 'I hope i don't screw it up too much!' Sad. Hopefully this passes, because I am already a super stressed out person on the regular, the added the stress from all this self doubt cannot be good for me.

I need to take a step back and just...BREATHE.

Moving on...IN?!

Lately, well for the past year, I've been contemplating what it would be like to live with a man. Now, before I proceed, let me state for the record that in no way am I ready to share my living spaces with someone of the opposite sex, its just a thought. However, I must admit there have been times cohabitation has scurried across my mind. I have all these fantasies of coming home to a hot meal (gender role reversal much..lol) and a warm bath; someone to share my day with and then snuggle up next to. In the morning, I roll over..kiss him, and off I am to prepare for my day ahead. That sounds like something from off a TV show. Does that happen anymore?! I know for me, if I was to decided to move in with someone or move someone in with me, my days would not play out exactly like that. It'll probably go more like this:

I arrive home from work at 10:30pm. Exhausted, and feet aching from my heels; which I only wore today because I had an event. Upon turning my key in the door I take off my shoes and breathe a sigh of relief. I look around the messy apartment and see him, at the dining room table on his laptop working. He's eating takeout, and doesn't look too happy.

"Hi baby" I squeal, and limp over to give him a kiss.
"Hey" he blandly retorts. "What happened around here? I thought you were going to do the laundry and make dinner?"

Knowing that I promised to do all of these things and more I quickly scramble for an excuse. As factual as my excuse may be I know it still won't cut it. "I know, but I've been so busy with work, and
I just haven't gotten around to it. You know I'm not very domestic hunnie. So....ooooh look those muscles, someone has been working out" *wink*

He obviously doesn't fall for it. Returns a stern look and wiggles out of my grasp.

Do you guys see where this is going? Shall I continue? I mean, after just the first 5 minutes of me walking through the door can you really and truly think I'm the live-in girlfriend type? LOL, I'll be the first to admit that I am not. Not unless you are an extremely understanding man, who does not mind laundry being done about once a month, or every one and a half months. If you are able to understand I work crazy hours, and after working those crazy hours I bring some of that work home with me. If anyone out there of the opposite sex can accept that I cannot cook, AT ALL, but am a master of takeout and will welcome me with open arms...then bless your heart!

While I have the TV's picture perfect, sometimes comedic view of cohabitation I am awfully realistic. I know I'm not able to take care of a man, I've just started taking care of myself to be quite honest. However, I do at times wish there was someone waiting on the other side of the door when I came home.  Maybe a puppy would suffice, but thats another major responsibility I have no time for.

Back to the subject at hand. I find men to be too demanding when it comes to women. They want the professional woman who works the 9-5, with the sexy business suit and 5" heels who can come home make a fabulous dinner and take care of the kids. While there are some superwomen like that who exist, I am not one of those. I can wear the fabulous suit with the heels, have intelligent conversations with the best of them and be great at office parties, but all the domestic stuff...nope that's not me. So where does one find a man who understands and appreciates that in this world of home cooked meals and Destiny Child's Cate to You being the theme? There are women who want no parts of it (just yet) and is fully comitted to everything else except cooking and cleaning. That can't be all bad...right? :-\

I mean...I do plan on doing all that stuff one day, just not today, or tomorrow, or even the day after that. Maybe, 5 years from now I'll be the superwoman. What about a superwoman in training...no one gives us credit! I think all superwomen in training need to be shown some appreciation and understanding.

FVK NJTransit

JGWA--Jersey Girl With an Attitude

WTH NJTransit?! Fare increase of 25% set to take effect May1st. Really though?! That's a lot at one time. I get it, we get it, it's a recession, but c'mon your service is piss poor (and that's on a good day) if there is any service at all! Oh and here's the best part! Urban bus routes fares will only increase by 10%, while those commuting into NYC (trains & buses) will go up by 25%. They basically said if you're commuting to NY everyday for work you make more money so we'll rape your paycheck.

This is SO ridiculous! I'm a commuter, I commute to work in NYC Mon-Fri and often on the weekends as well (for work). I don't know how much other NYC commuters are paid but I'm not living lavish enough to pay 25% more for 100% LESS! Yes...less. The service on NJTransit is horrible to say the least.

Let me break it down for you:

TRAINS:
*Constantly delayed
*Always held up leaving NY Penn Station (they don't tell you it's an hr delay until you're already ON the train and the doors are locked...so no getting off to take the PATH!!)
*ALL NJTransit trains stop running at midnight! WTH! NJ a heavily urban state so close to NYC, why would all trains stop running at midnight and don't start back up until 5am!!! (god forbid I want to enjoy my youth beyond 12...I'm not fvkin Cinderella! Why must I leave the ball early!!! I swear NJTransit is the ugly stepmother & sisters!

BUSES:
*ALWAYS late! Always always always. And ridiculously late too. At 30mins that's nonsense, any other place of employment if this happend regulary the employee would be fired! NOOO not at NJT, it rewarded with a 15min break!
*Filthy buses! Disgustingly filthy! Need I say more?
*the buses ALSO stop running at midnight and don't start again until 5am!!! So if I miss the last train I can't get a bus I'm stranded for FIVE HOURS!!! Does that make sense?! A major transportation hub that is Newark Penn Station is virtually vacant for FIVE HOURS!! The entire fvkin state has NO public transportation running for FIVE HOURS a day!!!

But I must pay 25% more?! What am I getting? Is that extra 25% going to add trains and bus service between midnight and 5am? Will it ensure timely arrivals and departures? None of the above. They actually are increasing fares AND cutting back on services!

There is no real competition in NJ public transportation. Coach Buses, Path Trains, etc pose no real threat to NJT. NJT has monoplized public transportation throughout the entire state! While the fat cats in Trenton are lining their pockets with my 25% I can't stay out past 11pm, and I'm running 30mins late, so I'll miss the last train/bus and be stranded for five hours.

It's not to say I can take a cab to substitute the lack of NJT service. NJ cabs are horrible. There is no standard fare system, which means cabbies can charge you whatever they want ( which is usually outrageous fares). For example the same distance from my apt to the train station in one cab was $7, and another cab company was $20! Why is no one regulating this?! Why are there no meters?!

New Jersey residents are being given the short end of the stick. It's about time we take a stand! We have the highest property taxes, the most toll boots ( don't get me started on toll booths), and now we'll have the most outrageous fare increase. NJ is home of monopoly corporations, from NJTransit to PSE&G...let corruption reign! I'm writing a letter to my Congressman, State Assemblyman and Senator...enough is enough!

Random Outburst...Drive By Style ;]

I'm 24, going on 25, I am not married, have no children, have a great career I love, and an apartment. I say all that to say this...WHERE IS MY RECOGNITION?! No one takes time out to congratulate me for not having babies out of wedlock [no offense to those who do..love ya..smooches], no one buys me a toaster for not marrying the wrong guy [it happens, have you seen the divorce rate...HELLO]. Nope, instead I, and women like me, are bombarded by our friends and associates with wedding invitations, ugly bridesmaid dresses, and baby shower invites. While I do love celebrating these great moments in my friends' lives, it causes me to stop and think. What if I never have children, and never meet Mr. Right and get married, the only thing I am allowed to celebrate is my birth?! I refuse to let that happen!

So...I graduated, got a job in this recession, work ridiculous hours that makes no sense, go home to an empty bed [damn I'm not making a good case for myself here...] and with all of that said I still can't get a "hey you're doing good kid". This ends here, I from this day forth institute a form of recognition, unlike Mothers' Day, Wedding, and Babies and all that crap, this day of recognition will be for women who have it all minus the husband, children, and all that jazz and fluff everyone rants and raves about. An 'I'm NOT having a baby...Shower!' Does that work? Does it make sense?

In all honesty, I just want to have a lavish party where I can have a registry and make my friends spend money on things I'd probably never need...lol.

Nice Girls Finish Last

I'm not quite used to being told I'm too nice. In my personal life that has never been a common or accurate description of me. Don't get me wrong, I am a nice person [I think, some might disagree], but TOO nice, no that's not me. Or so I thought.

Apparently when it comes to my career I am too nice. I get told that on a daily basis by my boss. And its not good! I don't want to come across as a pushover or weak, but at the same time I don't want to be rude or nasty. I want to be strong, assertive, out spoken, but still nice, just not TOO nice! How can I do that?! How can I take the bull by the horns, yet be gentle enough that it doesn't charge?!

I feel like this is becoming a barrier, and something is telling me it's the reason (while I have taken on more responsibility) I haven't quite moved into the area I want to. It's easier for me to be, at times, bitchy in my personal life. I'm the boss of me! And no one pays me to regulate my life. It's a lot harder to be not so nice when someone else is signing your check and distributing tasks and responsibilities. When someone else's company and reputation is on the line.

Its hard enough for a woman in politics, let a lone a black woman in politics, not only that but a shy, NICE black woman, nah, that's not good. No woman in my field that I admire would ever be described as TOO nice, soft spoken, or  timid. Heck no! Assertive, outspoken, galvanizing, that's what they are and were, and that's what I need to be. I need to learn how to incorporate my fiesty persona from my personal life to my career. I need to SOON, my five year plan is depending on it!

Too timid, and too soft spoken [apparently]! So many people believe in me, see things in me I wish I could see in myself. They don't doubt my abilities, yet I doubt myself at every given opportunity. I'm trying to overcome that, and it's a lot harder than I thought. See!! I'm even doubting not doubting myself...UGH!!!! I've attempted to make a list of my pros and cons (career wise), write down all the good people see and say, and line them up with all my doubts and insecurities, and compare it with all I've accomplished thus far (which admittedly is a lot). Needless to say I've never quite gotten around to it. I probably should...soon.

No more Ms. Nice Girl...[I'm going to start mean muggin' in corporate America, gorilla style baybee]

Single Ladies [and a bunch of other randomness]

Its been a while coming..but I think I'm finally at peace with my singleness. I've stopped thrashing about and finally settled and I'm comfortable in my skin. Maybe this is a premature proclamation, but I think I'm pretty content right now. I recently ended a year long back and forth/on and off...thing [can we really call it a relationship?!] and right now I just want to relax and enjoy time with myself, and my friends. While I've declared that I am on sabbatical from men, I am open to new friendships [nothing more right now] and building on the friendships I already have.

SO..moving forward, while I've always had a lot of my focus on my career, now I can devote 100% of my attention to my career. This year [2010] I've taken on a lot more responsibility at work...took the bull by its horns, and making moves. It would be a lie if I said my blood pressure has not gone through the roof...but I enjoy every minute of my job. I learn something new everyday, and on the days when I just want to scream and give up I remind myself that I have my DREAM JOB, and that does not happen everyday. Not many people can say they love what they do, and even fewer who say it actually mean it...even on the bad days, I honestly love what I do. For a while there [ummm a year follow graduation] I thought maybe I majored in the wrong thing. I had panic attacks, emotional outbursts, and random cry fests to my friends. However, in the end things worked out. Now at 24 I can say I have a career, and my dream job, a 5 year pan that's on track, and nothing standing in my way. The highway of possibility, and opportunity awaits me, and if I don't have a man who cares because I'm doing some pretty fabulous stuff all by myself! :D

[DISCLAIMER: I am fully aware that I might relapse and write an angry man hating blog in the near future so don't rain on my parade..LOL]

Angry Black Woman Rant...&%@*$!?

I've refused to address the recent [conspiracy theory] attacks on black women. First we can't find a good black man, and if we do we can't keep a good black man; also our net worth is only $5, and finally 48%* of us have herpes!!! WTF?! Are you serious?! Like, really serious?!

If black men didn't want us before they sure as hell are not going to want us now! We're angry, bitter, TOO successful, yet broke and have herpes...if you listened to EVERYTHING the media says about us then that's what you see when you see me. It doesn't matter that NONE of it applies to me and damn near EVERY black woman I know or have come into contact with, its what the world is being forced fed about us. It really makes you stop and think. Yet when it comes to the 'crisis' of single black women they want us to explore other races...white men and men of other races aren't banging our doors down [the option to date outside the race has just evaporated], they think we're disease infested, angry, gold diggers!

The media is painting us as undesirable, and you know what, they are doing a damn good job of it too! Are we surprised?! I'm not, its always been something. If not the alarming teenage pregnancies, and illegitimate babies in the black communities; its the growing rate of single mothers, or that black women are contracting HIV at an alarming rate, etc. etc. Whats next?!


...[RANT ENDED]

Missed Calls

I didn't dial your number
because I needed someone to talk to
Arms to lay in
Or sweet words to fill my ears
I didn't call you because I can't hook up my speakers
or kill the spider above my bed
I was just wondering why
you haven't called
-Jill Scott (Pocket Size #5)

I love Jill Scott's book of poetry: 'The Moments, the Minutes, the Hours'; this poem is one of many that really embodies how I feel sometimes most times when it comes to men. Tonight is no exception. In this world where Twitter, Facebook, email and text messaging is quickly replacing a phone call I find it increasingly hard to have any real communication with men. Being limited to only 140 characters is not my ideal idea of a response, and its definitely not a major building block in forming a relationship. What makes a relationship any different from being a Follower on Twitter if we barricade ourselves within these social networks and refuse to make an attempt at conversing outside of them?

I truly miss middle/high school courting, giving a boy my number, getting that call at 7/8pm and sitting on the phone for hours. Talking and getting to know each other, that's a conversation, where I don't have to wait 5 minutes for a response. There is something about the flow of conversation that tells you a lot about someone. It teaches you about their thought process, it shows you their instinctive reactions and that is how I fall in like. I need to know we can communicate above a text, and email. How else would I know you have more to offer besides witty one liners? [also texting/emailing, etc annoys me b/c it takes hours to have a 10 min conversation].

[Catharsis Break] *sigh* Maybe its just the fact that I truly and honestly miss our (The Night Spender) conversations. Our late night debates, and the early morning texts (which is ok following conversation via a phonecall) of him proclaiming my beauty. I just want to scream "WHAT HAPPENED?!" When did it all stop?! When did you cooking me dinner, and playing that song from the Lion King (hahahaha) all end?! I didn't appreciate it then, but now if you were to do it all again, if only for one day I'd melt in your arms. I miss walking down the street and you taking my hand in yours. I miss it all, and maybe its all gone for a reason, and I need to just suck it up and let it go.

[Back to our regular scheduled program] All of this technology is making relationships non-existent, there is a loss of conversation. A loss of intimacy. Sexting is replacing foreplay (c'mon!), and Facebook relationship status' fluctuate like the stock market (RELATIONSHIP RECESSION?!). We wonder why men and women (black men and women especially) have a lapse in communication, its because we're too busy tweeting and texting while sitting right next to each other! Too busy sending snippets of communication rather than being engrossed in conversation...my thoughts on the subject anyway.


***so I'm posting it to get it out of my drafts...ENJOY***

Buying the Cow

***DISCLAIMER: this is no where near finished or completed to my liking, it a stream of consciousness and rambling...but its been sitting in my drafts for about 2 weeks now, and seeing as there are about 5 other posts in draft mode, and no recent posts to the blog i needed to post SOMETHING so this is it...lol. I'll edit it one day, or you can leave a bunch of comments (preferred method) and we can engage in conversation***

Mr.-like new chick...she made me wait to get the booty...simple...but very important strategy...we'll only do what yall let us do to you

Moxie-i made The Night Spender wait to get the booty...3-4months..i think that's important..but at the same time...i think a man can do you wrong if he gets it the first night or 4 months later...

Mr. -and i'm here to tell you if we wait...we want YOU not sex

Moxie-i mean i get what you're saying...but just b/c a man waits does not mean he won't do the same ish...just means he likes and respects you enough, has the tolerance enough, or someone else to fulfill his carnal desires enough to wait

Mr.-it really doesn't but don't believe me...i'm just the only person wit a dick in the convo...not to mention i'm older

Moxie-lol, well your age definitely adds more experience and wisdom..but i mean your logic behind waiting, is that the same as a 25 yr old's logic?

Mr.-yes

Dating 101, make him wait! How long as women have we heard this? "If you want to know if a man REALLY likes you for you and not just sex, make him wait for sex." The three month rule (90 Day Rule) which has been ingrained in us is the dating mantra, a golden rule, for women. Whenever something goes wrong in a relationship its usually the first thing that pops into our heads. "Did we have sex too soon?", or its often the first question we are asked when we turn to our friends for advice "When did you guys start having sex?" For years we've assumed the demise of our past relationships, with what may have been great men, was due to giving up the goods too soon. Giving away the milk for free...maybe?

@justpinks: Why do women try to put a time clock on their vaginas? Just b/c he waits for it, doesn't mean he won't still treat u like a smut!

One day on twitter this tweet really struck me. For so long I've believed this Three Month Rule to be the golden standard, one of the simple things that makes a world of difference in relationships. Now, I'm not throwing out the baby with the bathwater here. I am not saying we should have sex with men upon meeting them, all I am saying is we cannot assume that having a man wait for sex is somehow going to guarantee a relationship or if it does lead to a relationship it does not automatically guarantee a good healthy one. There are so many other components that make up a relationship, sex, while it is a big and important part of any and every relationship it is not the lone determining factor. What I have noticed is many men who come to me spouting the virtues of the women who made them wait often have a few things in common. During this waiting period they:

1. Respected the woman more [pro]
2. Was actively having sex with another woman [con]

Its easy to give a woman the time and space she needs/demands sexually when you have someone else to fulfill those sexual urges. So my question then is, is this new attraction really genuine? I don't question that you respect her more because she has a set of morals that says 'don't have sex with every man that buys her a drink', but at the same time while you are falling for her and all she stands for who is she falling for? With girl #2 on the side at your beck and call its easy to go on date after date with a new prospect and not press the sex issue. All the while you would have us believe you are abstaining in an effort to explore aspects of our personality aside from the sexual. In all honesty, how many women would after three months of getting to know someone/dating, if they knew he was, during that time, having sex with someone else, would you in turn still sleep with him? I'm pretty sure the answer is a resounding no. 

So while I do uphold the benefits of the 3 Month Rule, at the same time I encourage you not be naive. Ultimately every relationship changes once sex is added into the equation, be it for the better or worse. The dynamics will change, its just the nature of the beast. Sometimes it brings you closer as a couple, other times is pushes you further away, just be sure you guys discuss what it is you both want out of the relationship, if its even a relationship.




[milk has an expiration date, like c'mon there is only SO long you can keep it before it spoils...so if no one is buying the cow...hmmmm why not shell out some samples..lmbo, I'M KIDDING!!].

A Belle in Brooklyn

My relationship go to blog...I read this daily like one reads the bible, brushes their teeth, showers!!!! This is my go to blog for ALL things relationship...and today there was a VERY good, provoking post...CHECK IT OUT!

CLICK HERE

Happy Valentine's Day

“I don't pretend to know what love is for everyone, but I can tell you what it is for me; love is knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be with them more than any other person, love is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of, love is feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting weak knees when they walk into a room and smile at you.”

Condom Conundrum

I'm 24 and I can say I've never bought condoms *gasp*. That seems so sexually irresponsible of me, and I'm sure someone reading this (or not) is thinking "its 2010, what do you mean?" Now let me state for the record I practice safe sex...I've just never personally purchased the life jacket. I have gone with the significant other to purchase them, just never been the one doing the purchasing. Maybe this has a lot to do with when I was in middle school and a few friends and myself decided to try and buy condoms to see what they looked like up close and personal. And just our luck our teacher walks into the store and decides to have a chat. We quickly stuff the condoms in an oven mitt and never did buy them. Also, I was involved with someone who insisted on being the one who purchased the condoms. He did not trust it if he did not buy it. [I think he had an unhealthy fear of someone trying to 'trap' him or something...but anyway.] That also contributed to my condom conundrum.

Ever since then I've always associated buying condoms with something I'm not suppose to do. Not like its not my responsibility, just that I get this overwhelming anxiety like someone is looking at me and thinking "She isn't suppose to be having sex." And I guess it can be said if I cannot muster the strength and courage to buy condoms I probably should not be having sex (lol). However, I'm sure I am not the only one with this problem.

Also, along with the fear of purchasing condoms, there is the question. How many condoms is TOO many? I know it seems like a silly question, but at what point is it just too many condoms for a girl to have at her disposal. [Yes, it can be said with the state of STDs today there is no such thing as too much, but in this instance I am talking about perception.] At what point is it too much, and a girl is considered a slut. Like if he comes over and I open a drawer and let him choose from a plethora of brands/flavors/and textures..lol. I think then its too much. I've heard that a simple three pack is ideal for a woman, where she looks concerned enough with her health, but isn't giving off the perception that she has sex with so many men she needs her own condom facility. ***I need more men reading my blog so I can get male feedback on these IMPORTANT questions.***

In the end, my approach seems to be working for me, for now. I don't have to deal with the added cost of buying condoms (although I do have to foot the bill for the lingerie when deemed needed) and I can say without a doubt I've never had an STD and I am not someones mom. :D


P.S. But maybe I might psych myself up and waltz into a store sometime in the near future and tackle this fear.

P.P.S. I've been trying thing new thing with my posts, less picture more content (i.e. longer posts..well I'm really trying with extending the length)...what do you think?

Good Men

"They were all good men, they just weren't good to me." ~moxie_b

I've been bombarded with the "there are no good men left" theory lately, its been on repeat for the past few weeks and a girl can't help but think about it. For a while I subscribed to this mantra. I was an angry woman who thought there was indeed 'NO GOOD MEN LEFT' (angry face), and every time I thought about it my future looked lonely and bleak. I have encountered 'bad' men [what exactly makes a man bad in comparison to 'good' anyway?] but when I think about it I've never been in a relationship with a 'bad' man. In fact all of my past relationships have been with what you'd describe as good men. Intelligent, goal-oriented, employed, good looking, great sense of humor etc. etc. the list goes on. Why else would I have been attracted to them, why else would I have been involved with them if they weren't indeed good men?! But, somewhere, somehow things went south, the relationship ended. They, however, did not cease to be good men.

I am the type to remain friends with an ex, and as I look at some of my past conquests (hahaha, ok that's a joke guys) I can see myself falling for them again (if only I was a repeat offender) as a matter of fact, I can see why any lucky girl could fall for them. They are great family men, young professionals, can hold a conversation in a room full of business execs, simply put...they are GOOD men. However, they just weren't good to me, it wasn't meant to be maybe, and in a case or two it ended badly. But can you really blame the end of a relationship on someone not being a good man? When I look back I can sigh in relief and say I'm happy things ended, sometimes it takes a bad ending for you to see the good in someone, and why that good was just not meant for you, but it reminds you that if I could get a great guy like that, even for a little while, I can probably get a better guy for even longer (hehehe).

All in all, they broke my heart, did or said things I hope today they regret (lol). I've shed my share of tears over failed loves like any other 20-something...but to say there are no more good men left would be doing myself a dis-service. It would mean resigning myself to the possibility of either settling in order to settle down or spending the rest of my life alone. I refuse to do either. I refuse to settle for some sub par mediocre relationship because I'm afraid to die alone, and I refuse to live life depressed because I'm single. So, Instead of focusing on the supposed lack of good men, I choose to focus on becoming a good woman. Good men and good women attract..no? I hope so, or else I might have to rethink this theory..lol.


talk amongst yourselves ;]

Apartment Woes Pt. 2

Ever since I moved out on my own all the men in my life, past and present, are anxious to come over, spend the night, hang out. *pause* All of a sudden, I am "missed" and we "just haven't spent enough time together lately." *pause* Where is this coming from? I am surely not uber excited to hang out with you, and reminisce about 'old times.' [Sometimes I wish I never sent that ill fated text notifying everyone of my new phone number].


So, as a result I have become a very skilled liar, and avoider. I can conjure up ridiculous tales of why someone can't "just stop by", or "come over and chill". I have become so skilled at the art of avoidance that I find myself accidentally avoiding friends I actually WANT to see. Granted, I haven't been able to freely enjoy this independence of living on my own [for reasons too stressful & lengthy to disclose]. That in conjunction with the constant escape tactics I've been forced to develop, this is making my life tricky. The one benefit is my hectic work schedule. It has calmed down dramatically since September, but from July through September i was working on average 200+ hours a month, seven days a week. Then, it was relatively easy to avoid the menfolk. Now that I am down to the good ole 40 hours a week, with weekends available I have no basis not to see, or be seen. However, I still want to go into hiding.

I have become very skeptical of men who want to come over, "spend some time". This is my castle, my domain, my refuge! I don't want to defile it with some unworthy male specimen who is only after one thing. A romp in the sack [do they still us that phrase?]. Only one man has spent the night, and another came for a brief BORING visit...lol. The night spender.. *sigh* he's another blog for another time, so much has gone on between us...smh. The boring visit, I think I mentioned it in my 2010 post [go read it!]. I say all that to say this, I am not a fan of men in my personal space. Especially when they invite themselves. I feel that when I extend an invitation for you to come over it really means something. I have no problem trekking to your location, braving obstacles and the elements to snuggle up in your bed, in YOUR apartment, and at the end of it all I go home and unwind. Home is where the heart is, and after dealing with the constant battle with my heart at 'his' place I go home to de-stress and put the pieces back together. I want no memories of us snuggled up on the couch watching movies, no memories of me cooking [ok...ordering] dinner in the kitchen. NO! I don't want any of those things in MY apartment!

I want to save my apartment for a RELATIONSHIP, is that weird? That man who I can say without a doubt is my boyfriend/significant other/etc. I don't want to parade men through my apartment who I'm just dating/talking to/etc., no real reason for you to ever see beyond the 1689 on the front of the building. Men have a tendency to get comfortable in your space once you let them in, and in the event to not let anyone get too comfortable I don't invite them into this space. Especially those whom I have had past 'relations' with, no good comes from you stepping through those doors. I have no plans to relapse.

Graduate School

I am in the process of applying to Graduate School. Well one school actually, COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY. Is it pretentious of me to apply to only ONE school? Well there is no other option for me, its Columbia or bust!!! So lets keep our fingers crossed shall we. Masters of Science in Fundraising Management.

I am working, or attempting to start my Statement of Purpose. This is going to be SO hard. I'm pretty good at writing these things, but it takes so much out of me. I literally have to focus all my attention on it, and put in ridiculous amounts of time. In the end, I usually emerge with a GREAT product. Its always that first paragraph thats the hardest.

Due to the IMPORTANCE of this I might be a tad m.i.a. from the blog for a bit, unless something extremely juicy happens..LOL.

2010 Begins

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

I've been absent, but SO much has been going on. I'll give you the run down. Lets start with Christmas....

Christmas:

Pretty normal, presents, food, and lots of sleep. The after Christmas I went to my friend's house, and that night was a old flame of mine's going away party (mind you he has not left yet...). He plays basketball, and he's going to play overseas in Brazil, I hope he wraps it up, they have diseases down there too...lol. Back to the story. So we go to Divas Lounge in Montclair, and first off it MUST have been old folks night, because there was A LOT of older people. I was not impressed. But we were already there so why not enjoy it. Grabbed a few drinks and got started on having a good night.

He, lets call him NBA Dude, finally arrives. We do the hug, kiss, glad you came thing. He goes to mingle, I grab another drink and kept it moving. Long story short, it was an alright party, the crowd was just a tad bit too old for my liking.

New Years Eve:

Club Abyss it is. Tickets $40, so it better be a great night. They refuse to play any current music before midnight o.O, so that initially killed my buzz. Fast forward, the group of girls I went with want to leave at 12:30 to go to another spot, so...ermmm, fine okay. Outside, I realize this other spot is the Mansion, I REFUSE to go to the Sigma Mansion, sorry not my kinda thing. So me and a friend dip and go to this dude's hotel party. He likes me, been trying to have my friend hook us up, so why not. Get there, its like a scene from a tacky 90s music video. We walk in the room, do and about face and walk out. moments later, girls run out screaming, they did a champagne shower on the skeezers left in the room. *WHY OH WHY*. I'm in the hallway, drunk, and hungry. Big, thuggish looking dude walks by. "Whats your name?" I ask, "Snacks"...drunkenly assuming if your name is snacks you should have some kind of candy...he does not, and also does not understand my screams of "FALSE ADVERTISEMENT...WHERE ARE THE SNACKS?!" After I carry on like this for a few minutes, we decide to leave and go to an infamous NJ diner. Thats how I entered 2010 o.O.

New Years Resolution:

No sex for the year! I break it within the first week. I call NBA Dude and ask him to come over. Its been 4 years of us going back and forth, he's been calling me nonstop since Christmas, and he's leaving, BINGO, great it works, no new notches on the belt, and he leaves. God punished me, it was the WORST sex of my life. I was literally counting cracks in the ceiling. I guess its not 100% his fault, I mean I didn't give the best performance either. So no more sex, and I mean it this time!

Social Experiment:

I join match.com. Three day trial why not?! I meet a sexy guy, he gives me his email, and emails me right away. His real name is attached to the email. The stalker in me Facebook him. Facebook profile picture. Him dancing w/ a woman in a wedding dress, same woman is in multiple pictures with him looking very much in love. I delete my account on day 2. Match.com is not for me.

Taj Lounge:

I love this place. Friend and I go. She was invited by a new guy she met, who is interested in her. I'm dragged along, no problem here. We get there, VIP shuffled to the front of the line, get in before birthday boy and his entourage..hahaha! He's there with his baby's mother. She is attached to his hip. My friend is mad about this, but is not letting this ruin her night. I say he's a loser, and dance. His entourage are a bunch of hoodlums. Grinding on the dance floor. One girl takes off her shorts/skirt....is picked up, laid on the floor, and grind upon. I am in shock! Taj Lounge will never be the same again. I am embarrassed for them. Move to the other side of the dance floor. Enjoy the rest of my night away from the hoodlums.

Thats how I began 2010. I'm not quite sure how that foreshadows the remaining of the year, at least it will be interesting. :]