Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Nice Girls Finish Last

I'm not quite used to being told I'm too nice. In my personal life that has never been a common or accurate description of me. Don't get me wrong, I am a nice person [I think, some might disagree], but TOO nice, no that's not me. Or so I thought.

Apparently when it comes to my career I am too nice. I get told that on a daily basis by my boss. And its not good! I don't want to come across as a pushover or weak, but at the same time I don't want to be rude or nasty. I want to be strong, assertive, out spoken, but still nice, just not TOO nice! How can I do that?! How can I take the bull by the horns, yet be gentle enough that it doesn't charge?!

I feel like this is becoming a barrier, and something is telling me it's the reason (while I have taken on more responsibility) I haven't quite moved into the area I want to. It's easier for me to be, at times, bitchy in my personal life. I'm the boss of me! And no one pays me to regulate my life. It's a lot harder to be not so nice when someone else is signing your check and distributing tasks and responsibilities. When someone else's company and reputation is on the line.

Its hard enough for a woman in politics, let a lone a black woman in politics, not only that but a shy, NICE black woman, nah, that's not good. No woman in my field that I admire would ever be described as TOO nice, soft spoken, or  timid. Heck no! Assertive, outspoken, galvanizing, that's what they are and were, and that's what I need to be. I need to learn how to incorporate my fiesty persona from my personal life to my career. I need to SOON, my five year plan is depending on it!

Too timid, and too soft spoken [apparently]! So many people believe in me, see things in me I wish I could see in myself. They don't doubt my abilities, yet I doubt myself at every given opportunity. I'm trying to overcome that, and it's a lot harder than I thought. See!! I'm even doubting not doubting myself...UGH!!!! I've attempted to make a list of my pros and cons (career wise), write down all the good people see and say, and line them up with all my doubts and insecurities, and compare it with all I've accomplished thus far (which admittedly is a lot). Needless to say I've never quite gotten around to it. I probably should...soon.

No more Ms. Nice Girl...[I'm going to start mean muggin' in corporate America, gorilla style baybee]

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Single Ladies [and a bunch of other randomness]

Its been a while coming..but I think I'm finally at peace with my singleness. I've stopped thrashing about and finally settled and I'm comfortable in my skin. Maybe this is a premature proclamation, but I think I'm pretty content right now. I recently ended a year long back and forth/on and off...thing [can we really call it a relationship?!] and right now I just want to relax and enjoy time with myself, and my friends. While I've declared that I am on sabbatical from men, I am open to new friendships [nothing more right now] and building on the friendships I already have.

SO..moving forward, while I've always had a lot of my focus on my career, now I can devote 100% of my attention to my career. This year [2010] I've taken on a lot more responsibility at work...took the bull by its horns, and making moves. It would be a lie if I said my blood pressure has not gone through the roof...but I enjoy every minute of my job. I learn something new everyday, and on the days when I just want to scream and give up I remind myself that I have my DREAM JOB, and that does not happen everyday. Not many people can say they love what they do, and even fewer who say it actually mean it...even on the bad days, I honestly love what I do. For a while there [ummm a year follow graduation] I thought maybe I majored in the wrong thing. I had panic attacks, emotional outbursts, and random cry fests to my friends. However, in the end things worked out. Now at 24 I can say I have a career, and my dream job, a 5 year pan that's on track, and nothing standing in my way. The highway of possibility, and opportunity awaits me, and if I don't have a man who cares because I'm doing some pretty fabulous stuff all by myself! :D

[DISCLAIMER: I am fully aware that I might relapse and write an angry man hating blog in the near future so don't rain on my parade..LOL]

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Angry Black Woman Rant...&%@*$!?

I've refused to address the recent [conspiracy theory] attacks on black women. First we can't find a good black man, and if we do we can't keep a good black man; also our net worth is only $5, and finally 48%* of us have herpes!!! WTF?! Are you serious?! Like, really serious?!

If black men didn't want us before they sure as hell are not going to want us now! We're angry, bitter, TOO successful, yet broke and have herpes...if you listened to EVERYTHING the media says about us then that's what you see when you see me. It doesn't matter that NONE of it applies to me and damn near EVERY black woman I know or have come into contact with, its what the world is being forced fed about us. It really makes you stop and think. Yet when it comes to the 'crisis' of single black women they want us to explore other races...white men and men of other races aren't banging our doors down [the option to date outside the race has just evaporated], they think we're disease infested, angry, gold diggers!

The media is painting us as undesirable, and you know what, they are doing a damn good job of it too! Are we surprised?! I'm not, its always been something. If not the alarming teenage pregnancies, and illegitimate babies in the black communities; its the growing rate of single mothers, or that black women are contracting HIV at an alarming rate, etc. etc. Whats next?!


Friday, March 5, 2010

Missed Calls

I didn't dial your number
because I needed someone to talk to
Arms to lay in
Or sweet words to fill my ears
I didn't call you because I can't hook up my speakers
or kill the spider above my bed
I was just wondering why
you haven't called
-Jill Scott (Pocket Size #5)

I love Jill Scott's book of poetry: 'The Moments, the Minutes, the Hours'; this poem is one of many that really embodies how I feel sometimes most times when it comes to men. Tonight is no exception. In this world where Twitter, Facebook, email and text messaging is quickly replacing a phone call I find it increasingly hard to have any real communication with men. Being limited to only 140 characters is not my ideal idea of a response, and its definitely not a major building block in forming a relationship. What makes a relationship any different from being a Follower on Twitter if we barricade ourselves within these social networks and refuse to make an attempt at conversing outside of them?

I truly miss middle/high school courting, giving a boy my number, getting that call at 7/8pm and sitting on the phone for hours. Talking and getting to know each other, that's a conversation, where I don't have to wait 5 minutes for a response. There is something about the flow of conversation that tells you a lot about someone. It teaches you about their thought process, it shows you their instinctive reactions and that is how I fall in like. I need to know we can communicate above a text, and email. How else would I know you have more to offer besides witty one liners? [also texting/emailing, etc annoys me b/c it takes hours to have a 10 min conversation].

[Catharsis Break] *sigh* Maybe its just the fact that I truly and honestly miss our (The Night Spender) conversations. Our late night debates, and the early morning texts (which is ok following conversation via a phonecall) of him proclaiming my beauty. I just want to scream "WHAT HAPPENED?!" When did it all stop?! When did you cooking me dinner, and playing that song from the Lion King (hahahaha) all end?! I didn't appreciate it then, but now if you were to do it all again, if only for one day I'd melt in your arms. I miss walking down the street and you taking my hand in yours. I miss it all, and maybe its all gone for a reason, and I need to just suck it up and let it go.

[Back to our regular scheduled program] All of this technology is making relationships non-existent, there is a loss of conversation. A loss of intimacy. Sexting is replacing foreplay (c'mon!), and Facebook relationship status' fluctuate like the stock market (RELATIONSHIP RECESSION?!). We wonder why men and women (black men and women especially) have a lapse in communication, its because we're too busy tweeting and texting while sitting right next to each other! Too busy sending snippets of communication rather than being engrossed in thoughts on the subject anyway.

***so I'm posting it to get it out of my drafts...ENJOY***
Header Image by Colorpiano Illustration