We're Both Adults...

***This is another post that's been sitting i my drafts for over two months...and seeing as I promised to post more I'm whipping this out for you guys. :D PLEEEEEEASE understand it has not been edited, suitably reviewed all that jazz.***

"We're both adults..."

How many of you single women have heard that phrase? [raises hand] I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Why is it the moment we enter 'adulthood' all of a sudden its taboo to be in a relationship? It seems like suddenly being an adult/grown-up is linked to having casual sex. How does that make sense?! In my twisted mind I assumed being adult meant having stable, long term relationships. I guess I was wrong. Well, if you ask any single man in the NY/NJ area about dating and relationships he'll give you his very basic approach "whatever happens...happens." No expectations, no goals, no plans. They just go with the flow. Maybe I am being too rigid and unrealistic.

Being an adult is taking responsibility for your actions, being able to make a commitment, be it to someone via a relationship, or to your career. What if we approached our careers that way. We enter a job field and simply say "we're all adults here so we'll just do the fun stuff and whatever happens...happens". I'm sure that company would fly right to the top of the Fortune 500 list [side eye]. I don't think so.

SERIOUSLY, I am not saying that everyone you have sex with should instantly become your significant other, by no means, c'mon I'm a realistic girl! But, too often men, and sometimes women...we go around uttering these ridiculous phrases and then wonder 3-4 years from now why we aren't in a relationship (black women we go along with this and now we are in "crisis"). Or, why we meet these low lives, well that's what you kept saying you wanted...an 'adult' who just took things as they came, made no plans, had no expectations! I can't live my life that way. Maybe, its just that I need to control everything, or need to know where things are going. That goes for every aspect of my life, career wise I need to have expectations for what I plan to achieve out of my position, and where I plan to be in the company years from now. I cannot have a lackadaisical approach to my career or my personal relationships.

If this is what one should expect from adult men, then I long to be in high school/college again where relationships ruled...LOL.

The One Night Stand...

Sometimes I just want to do it! You know, have sex; but then I consider my options. I'm not in a relationship at the moment, not currently 'involved' with anyone, and the men in my past are a 'no fly zone' you know, those situations where I made that mistake once, so I refuse for there to be a second time. With all of that said, it does not negate the fact that sometimes I just want to do IT, 'the nasty', 'do the do', get some luvin'. While its a completely natural craving, I can't bring myself to have a random one night stand. Just take a guy home from the club and give him the business.

I feel before one even gets the pleasure to see my often miss-matched undies, view me as I wiggle out of my skirt and completely mess my hair up as my shirt is aggressively pulled over my head.....there needs to be some banter. A clever back and forth exchanging of ideas at which point I become extremely attracted to this other individual and I can no longer look at his broad shoulders and not imagine my head resting neatly between his shoulder bade and neck as I snuggle up to catch a faint smell of him. I need that! I love the witty remarks, and off the cuff comments. However, I understand that it takes a while for things to get to that point. There is the initial meeting, exchanging of numbers, breaking the ice phone conversations and the few preliminary dates/excursions, etc. I usually cannot seriously consider sex before this happens. Don't get me wrong, sometimes it crosses my mind, but something somewhere inside reminds me of the fact that oft times its too soon.

Ok, and while everything I've previously stated is indeed true. Another great big obstacle to throwing caution to the wind and just giving in to temptation is...the fact that I have these things called feelings and emotions and they are somewhat magnetized and can tend to get attached to whomever I have sex with. There is something to be said about that saying (is it a saying or just a thought?) that you carry a piece of whomever you have sex with in you (no pun intended) or something to that effect. And with all that said some people, after getting to know them, I just don't want ANY piece of them in me, be it for one night only. Now, I'm not saying I necessarily need a relationship (ok bare with me) but I need some sort of foundation, be it at least a friendship. I need to know you, know something about you, feel like we connect in some type of way. This (meaning me, my body) is kind of important to me, I need these things before I let loose and let go. You need to make me trust you with me, because in that moment I am vulnerable.

I can't be the girl who after sex jumps out of bed gets dressed and leaves. A part of that has to do with the fact I love to cuddle and I usually become a human pretzel and find myself intertwined in him as I fall asleep. You can't do that with just anyone. 


That's why I've been sleeping...alone.

P.S. For the next week or so I am going to desperately try to post every day...wish me luck..lol

Live @ 25

Birthday week....OVER!!!

All I can say is that I survived :D. The week started of rocky, VERY rocky, and ended equally as rocky. But somewhere in between the rock and a hard place there was a glimmer of fun and excitement. However, the celebrating is not over, there is my trip to New Orleans at the end of the month, which is what I am considering my TRUE birthday celebration. I am seriously contemplating going into detail the events of this past week, or holding off until a better time to bore you with my anticlimactic celebration, hmmm maybe I'll wait until after New Orleans, because I'm almost certain some wild and unmentionable things will happen here...lol.

So, its been some time since I've talked to you all, do you miss me? I'm sure you do. Well, I cut my hair *gasp*, I am still trying to adjust to it, and style it, everyday its a new challenge, but I shall emerge victorious. I have yet to take some cute pics with the new cut, but when I do I'll post a pic.

On to the meat and potatoes of the post. WHY HAVE I BEEN MISSING IN ACTION?! Simply put, I've been on such a major roller coaster ride that there just has been no stability enough for me to stop for even a minute and write something. If that was not bad enough, the little paragraphs and sentences I did manage to jot down all seem like a bunch of baloney. However, its official, I am 25. I don't feel any older and definitely don't feel much wiser. As a matter of fact I feel like everything I thought and all my philosophical theories on life just doesn't make much sense anymore. Maybe that is not an accurate description, SEE I'm already second guessing myself. And maybe...just maybe this is my insecurity pouring out, but sometimes I feel for someone my age I should know more, have experienced more, just BE MORE all together! While some of you may just have scrunched your noses and wondered what the hell I meant, I can't thoroughly explain the feeling.

A part of me feels when compared to other 25 year old individuals, I'm somehow lacking some great life experience. However, I think this is just that BIG doubting yourself phase most twenty-somethings go through, and I seemed to dive head first into it. As of late I doubt EVERYTHING about myself, and the biggest of this seems to be my career. I seem to doubt whether I can do many of the things I seem to be currently doing. But somehow, someway I don't feel like I'm quite capable. It does not matter that I am currently taking the bull by its horns and doing a pretty good job. No! All I can seem to think is 'am I cut out for this?' and 'I hope i don't screw it up too much!' Sad. Hopefully this passes, because I am already a super stressed out person on the regular, the added the stress from all this self doubt cannot be good for me.

I need to take a step back and just...BREATHE.