Riding in Cars with Boys, Part I

I've been doing this forever. All I can seem to ask is: "Are we there yet?" Granted the driver has changed some, its the same ride; with a little back seat action here and there. I listen to my friends' dating stories and I'm always saying to them "Where do you find these guys", only to now look at myself and say "You sure know how to pick 'em." And boy do I! I have an affinity for the asshole/jerk. I can admit this, I have come to terms with this. But, I still find it surprising.

Now this one...he's SO confusing. Men always like to say we don't know what we want, but I find that to be the other way around. For me at least. I know exactly what I want, the problem is how to go about getting what I want.

I've been hesitant to REALLY talk about my relationships on this blog, but I'll take a risk, maybe I'll delete it later, who knows. I seem to have a revolving door of men in my life, those 2 that I recycle. I'm one who doesn't like to meet news guys for fear of encountering the same problems, just with a new face; and by sticking with my select few at least I know what to expect. Counterproductive, I KNOW! But, I did venture out this summer, but now the things that kept me from giving new guys a chance seems to be slowly but surely creeping up and biting me on the butt. I've known Mr. New Guy (yup that's his alias for now..lol) indirectly for over a year. Indirectly? Yes, don' ask. This summer we actually started talking, before this surge in communication I could NOT stand him. I thought he was a misogynistic jerk (hmmm, trust your instinct ladies).

Back on track, I have no idea where we are going, but I'm ready to get there, or at least get out this car and take a cab back home. For a long time I ignored his advances and didn't take any of it seriously. Even the numerous proposals (is that the right choice of words) to be his girlfriend. I mean I'm here and he's there (yea its one of those). So NO. But then I visit, after MUCH pleading, and at the end of it all I didn't think anything of the experience..until. But now, I'm all confused. It seems like the moment I start liking him is the exact same moment he starts reverting back into the guy I had loathed for SO long. Now what I had been avoiding for so long seems to have happened. I LIKE HIM, and that sucks! I did SO well with my guard up and shield in position, for so long.

While I have all these grand ideas and suggestions and advice I give my friends, I can't seem to conjure up a single thing for myself. I can't seem to posses any follow through in my own situations and I feel like I'm stuck in this car with no airbags and heading for a 3 car pile up on a major highway. I feel like I'm going to die (emotionally that is) because dating is really killing me softly. I don't want to go back to one of those 2 (my revolving door) but situations like this forces me back to my dysfunctional comfort zone and while I'm desperately trying not to give in, I don't know how much will power I have.