Missed Calls

I didn't dial your number
because I needed someone to talk to
Arms to lay in
Or sweet words to fill my ears
I didn't call you because I can't hook up my speakers
or kill the spider above my bed
I was just wondering why
you haven't called
-Jill Scott (Pocket Size #5)

I love Jill Scott's book of poetry: 'The Moments, the Minutes, the Hours'; this poem is one of many that really embodies how I feel sometimes most times when it comes to men. Tonight is no exception. In this world where Twitter, Facebook, email and text messaging is quickly replacing a phone call I find it increasingly hard to have any real communication with men. Being limited to only 140 characters is not my ideal idea of a response, and its definitely not a major building block in forming a relationship. What makes a relationship any different from being a Follower on Twitter if we barricade ourselves within these social networks and refuse to make an attempt at conversing outside of them?

I truly miss middle/high school courting, giving a boy my number, getting that call at 7/8pm and sitting on the phone for hours. Talking and getting to know each other, that's a conversation, where I don't have to wait 5 minutes for a response. There is something about the flow of conversation that tells you a lot about someone. It teaches you about their thought process, it shows you their instinctive reactions and that is how I fall in like. I need to know we can communicate above a text, and email. How else would I know you have more to offer besides witty one liners? [also texting/emailing, etc annoys me b/c it takes hours to have a 10 min conversation].

[Catharsis Break] *sigh* Maybe its just the fact that I truly and honestly miss our (The Night Spender) conversations. Our late night debates, and the early morning texts (which is ok following conversation via a phonecall) of him proclaiming my beauty. I just want to scream "WHAT HAPPENED?!" When did it all stop?! When did you cooking me dinner, and playing that song from the Lion King (hahahaha) all end?! I didn't appreciate it then, but now if you were to do it all again, if only for one day I'd melt in your arms. I miss walking down the street and you taking my hand in yours. I miss it all, and maybe its all gone for a reason, and I need to just suck it up and let it go.

[Back to our regular scheduled program] All of this technology is making relationships non-existent, there is a loss of conversation. A loss of intimacy. Sexting is replacing foreplay (c'mon!), and Facebook relationship status' fluctuate like the stock market (RELATIONSHIP RECESSION?!). We wonder why men and women (black men and women especially) have a lapse in communication, its because we're too busy tweeting and texting while sitting right next to each other! Too busy sending snippets of communication rather than being engrossed in conversation...my thoughts on the subject anyway.


***so I'm posting it to get it out of my drafts...ENJOY***

Buying the Cow

***DISCLAIMER: this is no where near finished or completed to my liking, it a stream of consciousness and rambling...but its been sitting in my drafts for about 2 weeks now, and seeing as there are about 5 other posts in draft mode, and no recent posts to the blog i needed to post SOMETHING so this is it...lol. I'll edit it one day, or you can leave a bunch of comments (preferred method) and we can engage in conversation***

Mr.-like new chick...she made me wait to get the booty...simple...but very important strategy...we'll only do what yall let us do to you

Moxie-i made The Night Spender wait to get the booty...3-4months..i think that's important..but at the same time...i think a man can do you wrong if he gets it the first night or 4 months later...

Mr. -and i'm here to tell you if we wait...we want YOU not sex

Moxie-i mean i get what you're saying...but just b/c a man waits does not mean he won't do the same ish...just means he likes and respects you enough, has the tolerance enough, or someone else to fulfill his carnal desires enough to wait

Mr.-it really doesn't but don't believe me...i'm just the only person wit a dick in the convo...not to mention i'm older

Moxie-lol, well your age definitely adds more experience and wisdom..but i mean your logic behind waiting, is that the same as a 25 yr old's logic?

Mr.-yes

Dating 101, make him wait! How long as women have we heard this? "If you want to know if a man REALLY likes you for you and not just sex, make him wait for sex." The three month rule (90 Day Rule) which has been ingrained in us is the dating mantra, a golden rule, for women. Whenever something goes wrong in a relationship its usually the first thing that pops into our heads. "Did we have sex too soon?", or its often the first question we are asked when we turn to our friends for advice "When did you guys start having sex?" For years we've assumed the demise of our past relationships, with what may have been great men, was due to giving up the goods too soon. Giving away the milk for free...maybe?

@justpinks: Why do women try to put a time clock on their vaginas? Just b/c he waits for it, doesn't mean he won't still treat u like a smut!

One day on twitter this tweet really struck me. For so long I've believed this Three Month Rule to be the golden standard, one of the simple things that makes a world of difference in relationships. Now, I'm not throwing out the baby with the bathwater here. I am not saying we should have sex with men upon meeting them, all I am saying is we cannot assume that having a man wait for sex is somehow going to guarantee a relationship or if it does lead to a relationship it does not automatically guarantee a good healthy one. There are so many other components that make up a relationship, sex, while it is a big and important part of any and every relationship it is not the lone determining factor. What I have noticed is many men who come to me spouting the virtues of the women who made them wait often have a few things in common. During this waiting period they:

1. Respected the woman more [pro]
2. Was actively having sex with another woman [con]

Its easy to give a woman the time and space she needs/demands sexually when you have someone else to fulfill those sexual urges. So my question then is, is this new attraction really genuine? I don't question that you respect her more because she has a set of morals that says 'don't have sex with every man that buys her a drink', but at the same time while you are falling for her and all she stands for who is she falling for? With girl #2 on the side at your beck and call its easy to go on date after date with a new prospect and not press the sex issue. All the while you would have us believe you are abstaining in an effort to explore aspects of our personality aside from the sexual. In all honesty, how many women would after three months of getting to know someone/dating, if they knew he was, during that time, having sex with someone else, would you in turn still sleep with him? I'm pretty sure the answer is a resounding no. 

So while I do uphold the benefits of the 3 Month Rule, at the same time I encourage you not be naive. Ultimately every relationship changes once sex is added into the equation, be it for the better or worse. The dynamics will change, its just the nature of the beast. Sometimes it brings you closer as a couple, other times is pushes you further away, just be sure you guys discuss what it is you both want out of the relationship, if its even a relationship.




[milk has an expiration date, like c'mon there is only SO long you can keep it before it spoils...so if no one is buying the cow...hmmmm why not shell out some samples..lmbo, I'M KIDDING!!].

Apartment Woes Pt. 2

Ever since I moved out on my own all the men in my life, past and present, are anxious to come over, spend the night, hang out. *pause* All of a sudden, I am "missed" and we "just haven't spent enough time together lately." *pause* Where is this coming from? I am surely not uber excited to hang out with you, and reminisce about 'old times.' [Sometimes I wish I never sent that ill fated text notifying everyone of my new phone number].


So, as a result I have become a very skilled liar, and avoider. I can conjure up ridiculous tales of why someone can't "just stop by", or "come over and chill". I have become so skilled at the art of avoidance that I find myself accidentally avoiding friends I actually WANT to see. Granted, I haven't been able to freely enjoy this independence of living on my own [for reasons too stressful & lengthy to disclose]. That in conjunction with the constant escape tactics I've been forced to develop, this is making my life tricky. The one benefit is my hectic work schedule. It has calmed down dramatically since September, but from July through September i was working on average 200+ hours a month, seven days a week. Then, it was relatively easy to avoid the menfolk. Now that I am down to the good ole 40 hours a week, with weekends available I have no basis not to see, or be seen. However, I still want to go into hiding.

I have become very skeptical of men who want to come over, "spend some time". This is my castle, my domain, my refuge! I don't want to defile it with some unworthy male specimen who is only after one thing. A romp in the sack [do they still us that phrase?]. Only one man has spent the night, and another came for a brief BORING visit...lol. The night spender.. *sigh* he's another blog for another time, so much has gone on between us...smh. The boring visit, I think I mentioned it in my 2010 post [go read it!]. I say all that to say this, I am not a fan of men in my personal space. Especially when they invite themselves. I feel that when I extend an invitation for you to come over it really means something. I have no problem trekking to your location, braving obstacles and the elements to snuggle up in your bed, in YOUR apartment, and at the end of it all I go home and unwind. Home is where the heart is, and after dealing with the constant battle with my heart at 'his' place I go home to de-stress and put the pieces back together. I want no memories of us snuggled up on the couch watching movies, no memories of me cooking [ok...ordering] dinner in the kitchen. NO! I don't want any of those things in MY apartment!

I want to save my apartment for a RELATIONSHIP, is that weird? That man who I can say without a doubt is my boyfriend/significant other/etc. I don't want to parade men through my apartment who I'm just dating/talking to/etc., no real reason for you to ever see beyond the 1689 on the front of the building. Men have a tendency to get comfortable in your space once you let them in, and in the event to not let anyone get too comfortable I don't invite them into this space. Especially those whom I have had past 'relations' with, no good comes from you stepping through those doors. I have no plans to relapse.